Living with stage four cancer: Purpose, poetry and pinot grigio

Tracy Lapworth, Senior Lecturer in Adult Nursing, shares her journey after receiving a diagnosis that has profoundly impacted her outlook on life, her role as an educator, and her approach to healthcare. 

Tracy recently participated in the University's World Cancer Day event discussing how her diagnosis of of stage four cancer has reinforced the importance of person-centred care in her teaching and everyday practice. She hopes that by sharing her story, she can encourage others, including students and colleagues, to focus on the individual behind the diagnosis and to foster a compassionate, holistic approach to care. If you weren't able to attend the event - you can hear from Tracy in her own words as she shares her insights and her poetry in the above podcast recording. 

On Tuesday 4 February for World Cancer Day, Tracy Lapworth talked to journalist Rebecca Wilcocks for BBC Morning Live as they broadcast live at a pop-up cafe in Wolverhampton City Centre, organised by the City of Wolverhampton Council’s Public Health team working with The Royal Wolverhampton Hospital NHS Trust. 

Reflecting on how she has approached living with the palliative diagnosis in her own way, Tracy said: "I've pooled all my energies into actually thriving, not just surviving with cancer and I think that's a really important message." 

Having experience and knowledge of cancer from both a personal and professional standpoint, Tracy shares how she has been able to bring her experience of "wearing the patient's slippers, not just the nurse's shoes" and the importance of embracing a person-centered approach in nursing, a concept which endows her with a sense of purpose when teaches her students. 

Watch the interview on BBC iPlayer (World Cancer Day segment begins from 22:30 mins, see Tracy from 26 mins).

Read two of Tracy's poems, 'On that day in May' and 'Fighting back', penned in response to her experience of her world altering diagnosis, and the drive to thrive, below. 

On that day in May

The brightness of the sun belied the darkness of the news to come.

Axis shifted, horizons moved, and the world turned,

Buildings, surroundings, bricks and mortar were unchanged

However, the fabric of the universe would never be the same

Family hit by darts of disbelief, despair and distress

Hurtling down a dark tunnel of terror, battered by a meteor shower

It seemed I no longer ceased to be, my diagnosis is all people see when they look at me

Its cancer, stage 4 there is no cure

I was deafened by the sound of death knocking loudly at my door

Hushed tones, shocked and pitied glances, muted whispers of my name

I am a compulsory, inescapable, reluctant player in this game

Entered an alternative, parallel universe, cancer creates its own dimension, existing in a world where nothing will ever be the same

The threat to mortality leaves its indelible mark, a shadow in the corner of my eye, icy breath on the back of my neck

Creates a heart filled with fear as death may be near, like footsteps running behind me on night darkened streets,

Early morning terrors taking residence in my head, the monster reaching up from the dusty recess under my bed

In the dead of the night when the house breathes a sigh, I reflect on what it may be like to die.

Fighting back

Cancer took me by surprise, landed a punch right between my eyes

Smashed into my life like a wrecking ball, threatening to take it all

Hair and eyelashes flutter away like autumn leaves in the wind, a price of the treatment that is paid

Walking is a battle, high heels put away, in the words of George Micheal, I will never dance again, spinal tumours have taken my rhythm

The weight of expectation of having cancer with no cure, pushing me into a person unknown, I had never seen before

 Then gradually I let go of the breath forever held within, the fight back to reclaim my heart and soul, and myself would begin

Hope now flickered as a destination in the horror of diagnosis and pain,

The glittering present under the Christmas tree, the glinting promise of sun after the rain

First hint of Blossom on barren branches, spears of green punching out of the ground 

My rose was still in bloom, petals trembled in the breeze but holding firm

Love and friendship enveloped me with the warmth of a well-loved coat and offered care and comfort when I needed it most

Unexpected kindnesses brightened the day like daffodils in derelict buildings and a bill you didn’t have to pay

Work gave purpose, distraction and a sense of making a difference, achieving goals

 Quieting the noisy voices from words like palliative and stage 4, wielding fear like a powerful sword

A sense of loss heighted pleasure in the little things, taken for granted until they are in peril, that everyday life brings

 I vowed to wear the expensive perfume, put on the pretty dress, drink the expensive wine, not to save it for best

Go for that lunch, meet my friends, ring my mum, as all that is certain is now, it is unknown what my future and my health is to become

Behave how I want and not how I should, be what I  wish to be

I am not permitting cancer to be the thief of my autonomy

So, I am riding the wave of life as fast and as long as I can, face to the sun and spray on my cheek until it breaks, darkness comes and the next chapter has began.